One-Liners - Serious Ammunition

My (seldom) hilarious Dad has this amazing book called "The serious book of ONE-LINERS" and I suppose he needs it because he is humour impaired, unlike his awesome daughter ala me.

Here are a few One Liners I thought I ought to share -

SIGNS OF THE TIMES:

To avoid burning your hands with hot water, feel the water first before putting your hand in.

To call room service, just open the door and call room service.

At a Cairo Zoo : Please don't feed the animals. If you have any spare food hand it to the attendants.

In an Indian Maternity Hospital : Visitors. Hubands only. One per patient.

SOCIETY:

Society is where people spend money they haven't got to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like.

A good host makes his guests feel at home, even though he wished they were.

MISCELLANEOUS ADVICE :

Whatever happens, look as though it was intended.

People who love sausages and the law should never watch either being made.

The only time to be positive is when you are certain you are wrong.

WEDDING SPEECHES :

Ladies and gentlemen. We all know about John, but in the interests of harmony and in order not to embarass the bride I will only dwell on the pleasant side of his character. Thank you very much (and proceed to sit down).

In many ways (the groom) has been like a son to me - insolent, ungrateful, disrespectful.

Congratulations Gerald. It was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Signed, Mary, Terese, Wendy, Karen, Julie, Barbara, Estelle & Agatha.

Here's to me. I've finally found what's unbelievable -
A sex-mad maid who's inconceivable.

Bring on the LOLs.

And my dad, being my dad, had to highlight this one :

I don't mind suffering in silence, provided everyone knows I'm doing it.

To Dad :
What was that again ?




To end off, Here's Whipper, a mutant parakeet from New Zealand.
Google him, he's preeeeeeeeetty famous.


Proof that promiscuity between different species is the key to...
New mops.

The List of Things Wakarimasen

The list of things Wakarimasen, which means I cannot understand in Japanese.


Why Pharrell Williams let me down so badly in this year's N.E.R.D Live at Esplanade (part of Mosaic Music Festival) concert which I paid a bomb for. He wore polka dotted skinny jeans and toward the end of the night screamed - I'M SOOOOOOO HORNY TONIGHT. P Williams, if farking is all you think about then...

Why most people don't get that rushing to get to the front of the queue will only push them farther behind the queue.


Why my family LOVES freebies so bloody much. Especially NDP goodie bags.


Why Crocs is getting more and more ubiquitous. And why someone even thought of Crocs and marketed it into such a sellable franchise. Whoever you are, here's a new idea: Golden Ping Pong Balls made of actual gold. Medicine balls to help you keep fit, so golden ping pong balls to help you hit harder. (no sexual innuendo intended)



Why is it that once I turned 18 this year, I actually started being able to tolerate my parents and enjoy spending time with them. And enjoy it even more.



Why I like Britney Spears.



Why Miley Cyrus seems to be more famous then Roald Dahl. (If you don't know who he is, then I am sad to say that you have a deprived childhood.)



Why I don't (or rather, didn't) have a better judgement of what friends should be like and had to be hurt more than I could imagine so many many times before. My best friend now is the plump rat that feeds on the weeds in the garden and cannot seem to die despite the many traps we place to ensnare him. (Joking la. Didn't I mention how much money I spent on my lousy friends?) But srsly, true friends are hard to come by.



Why I suck when it comes to technology. Believe it or not I cannot get my pictures to align properly thus my posts are all wordy and confusing. (For those of you who can't tell the difference between stationery and stationary, I suggest you go play Neopets.) I need help from a blogging expert pls.



Why I REALLY SUCK AT TECHNOLOGY. Like today during my final theory trial prac I was hitting the computer screen because I couldnt get it to respond (it was touch screen), and everyone else was so at ease. I am really jittery when it comes to computers / iPhones / laptops.


Why karma takes so long to take effect. Not being bitter... Just. Yknow. Wondering. -makes a voodoo doll



Why my junk mail is full of horny requests from GIRLS. MOSTLY BLONDE GIRLS. HARDCORE.



Why when my friends refer to me as Eug, their friends always think I am their secret admirer cum boyfriend cum player dude who hit on them randomly on the street.



Why people always spell my name wrongly. It's EUGINIA. not EUGENIA.



Why my parents try so hard to be different that they had to spell my name with an "i".



Why people think conforming is good. Just because I home school, (am taking my A's next year), most people think I am



a) an idiot at all aspects, including eating, drinking, doing sports etc.

b) a punk with secret tattoos on her bum

c) retarded i.e. someone once asked me whether i understood "bright-eyed and bushy tailed"

d) ready to kill herself at any word they say ( I am home schooled because I was diagnosed with depression. Hard to believe eh? Am still on meds.)



Why my parents look really Asian yet most people think I am mixed. (This is not exactly a good thing. Some people actually make really snide remarks abt it.)



Why I am not photogenic. But I think I look fine in real life.


I really am not photogenic, this is not Little Miss Low Self Esteem or Mister Insecure About His Size speaking.


Why kids always think I am only 6. They think I'm a really tall, really strong 6 year old kid.



Why I am nothing like my mother and take after my dad COMPLETELY personality-wise. This is true. All of my relatives say this.


Why I dislike blonde guys. Even Brad Pitt.


Why I notice pretty girls really quick. (I am straight.)


Why pretty girls think I'm giving them a bitch face when I am admiring them.


Why my mother laughs like a cross between a cockerel and screeching tyres, and why she snores like a bulldozer. Once when we were on holiday, I woke up in the middle of the night wondering why there was construction going on, and it was actually my mom. Not exaggerating.


Why people always think I am exaggerating when I am not.


Why everyone thinks that being an only child = being lonely and emo 24/7
Trust me, me getting my private time alone is a battle I face constantly


Why people name their children using palindromes.
Palindromes are words that spell the same backward and forward, e.g. Bob, Anna, Hannah and Dad.
Is your kid named Dad?


Why I cannot stand white, creamy foods like mayonnaise, cream base sauce, whipped cream.
I have eaten all of the above only once in my life and hated them. My most repulsive memories.


Why my list of things Wakarimasen is also a list of things revealing ME as a person ! Does this indicate smth to all wannabe psychiatrists ?


Let me give it to you straight - Don't read too much into it. It's most likely a coincidence.


If you want to give it an underlying meaning like oh you are still in denial and you are probably in doubt of yourself and you have to take a personality quiz for me to assess you then....



I shove fortune cookie up your arse.



(Search this on youtube.com under Asian Prank Call by OwnagePranks. LOL.)

WHATZ UPPP

P.S. funny stuff to check out -



15 Billboards that Don't Belong next to each other
www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/15-billboards-that-dont-belong-to-each-other


although no one reads my blog, i'm still going to maintain this lil gem. because i love....

BEING ME !

Homer Simpson is Optimistic

There yall go - My favourite person !

Or rather , one of my favourite people. Know why ?

Homer Simpson is optimistic. And being optimistic is easy ! But sadly, most people forget now and then (always bloody always).

Here are some tips and examples on how to be OPTIMISTIC, like Homer Simpson.

If you lose your job....

Take a holiday!

Homer Simpson said, "It's the perfect time for a holiday, I Just lost my job again last week!"

See. By taking a holiday, you can splurge your money which you worked painstakingly hard for, buy useless and frivolous things to make you feel better for a short while, then, upon returning home, recline on your sofa and take on your new job: couch potato.

See how things always work out in the end. You not only get a new job, but you waste excess money which you may actually need to pay your bills and boring necessities with! Cool huh?

If you are overweight....

BE like Homer. Subscrite to Men's Fatness.

Binge, overeat, and the faster you do that, the faster your arteries clog up and the faster you get a heart attack. Once that happens, sympathetic family members might actually contribute to the cost of your liposuction / breast augmentation !

Things work out so easily. If you don't actually survive the heart attack, be happy you at least ate everything in the world alr. You led a full, happy, bloated life.

Also, it is a new excuse for you to go shopping. Buy clothes that can fit about three of Kate Moss and then.... flaunt yourself!

If you have no friends....

Be grateful, because you just saved youself a whole hoard of cash.

I spend tons on my (ungrateful, boring, lame) friends everytime. Here's a quick illustration of my generosity -

My cousin P: Hey this ice-cream costs 50cents, but I only have 49cents.

Me: Here you go, I just so happen to have 1cent on moi and I am happy enough to starve the

whole day just so you can stuff youself with your cholesterol filled , preservative laden junk food !

P: Cool, thanks.

OR even worse, the other day at somewhere I forgot -

D: Yo, you owe me 20cents.

Me: Sigh. I am always giving you money for free. Do I look like a bloody Charity Institute ?

D: But you owe me...

Me: -cuts her off. FINE. If you need money so bad, just ASK. I don't even mind my dear.

D: um....

Last but not Least -

X: Yo I think you need to pay 50cents more to the waiter.

ME: Why? Because he forgot to wear deodorant and ruined my apetite, or because he farted

when halfway when he was taking my order?

X: Because there's 10% service charge.

Me: Riiiight, see X. I know you're being tactful and all, but... -pats her hand gently. You can just,

ASK ME. I'm game for lending you money !

X: Eug, the waiter's waiting.

Me: -smiles slyly. Of courrrrrrrrrrrrrse he is friend.... Of course.

X: Remind me again why I'm out with you ?

Anyways. All in all I have spent about.... -calculates intensely.


$967270 on my friends.


See, if I were you, I would rather be stuck alone in my room, talking to virtual people on my computer screen, slitting my thin anorexic wrists and being bulimic. Whatever pre teenagers do nowadays to entertain themselves, I dont know.

Why part with your money? Say NO to friends to lead an empty, hollow and joyless life - be exceedingly rich! Be on Forbes!


If you suck at something.....



BE like another one of my favourite people. For her sake lets just call her J da Funk.


J da Funk recently asked me to review her school testimonial or whatever.
It went like this:


Despite being a school table tennis representative at her secondary school, she made a bold
choice to pick up a new sport, volleyball.

Now note the words she used - DESPITE. BOLD.


These are words you can incorporate too !

e.g. Despite being a loser, I decided to be BOLD and join the Biggest Loser and ignore all the pple in the world who still laugh at me despite my bold choice.


J Da Funk is also noteworthy in another way. Know why?

She is smart and optimistic enough to WRITE HER OWN TESTIMONIAL, THEREFORE EXAGGERATING HER STRENGTHS AND DOWNPLAYING HER WEAKNESSES.

So what do you do when things get you down? Write an awesome testimonial for yourself.


Now this is how my long, tedious task for my humble self would look like:




I




AM





AWESOME.




and there you have it folks, all your problems are SOLVED.


almost. except you're still balding i guess....will reply to hate mail / spam / death threats anytime !


OK I REALLY DONTKNOW WHY THE SPACING SUCKS ALTHOUGH I SPACED IT SO WELL.

My Favourite Person

Want to be my favourite person ?

Nope, you can't.


But I'll tell you who my favourite person is.... In a while !

Nope, it's not you. Soooooooooooooooo Sorry

Things I Don't Get About Girls

Okay I'm a girl, but honestly - I don't get a lot of things girls do. I shop a lot, I have plenty many eye candy and I have more than enough clothes / shoes / bags / accessories but I still feel like in a small unseen unnoticeable way, I still function and think like a boy.

1) I don't get why girls are always late.

I was late for at most an hour. And that was what, thrice in my 18 years of life ? And an hour is chicken feet la srsly. It's like waiting for an ant to crawl from the sink to the ground. If I have to wait for a girl, I would be prepared to wait for the ant to crawl from the sink, to the ground, back to the sink to rummage for a random breadcrumb, hoist the crumb up on its back, maybe put it down again to size it up a bit... ("hmm, it's Mrs Fields today. Cool.") then once again carry it back and crawl down to the ground.

You get my drift. (And also a sneak peek into being an ant for a few hours.)

2) I don't get why girls like to LINK ARMS.

My cousin NEVER links arms with me - but that's because she's the only person who understands how I'm programmed. (And also because the hairs on our arms cause mild electro currents when we touch. Hurts like shiz.) Girls always link arms and this makes me think of chimpanzees having foreplay. I hate people who link arms, except when they are doing some form of dance I cannot comprehend. Then go ahead (and look like an idiot) by all means. But on a daily basis?

No.

3) I can never understand why girls like pink / blonde jokes / Bring It On Series.

Bring It On = Showing that being blonde and liking pink is your way up to popularity.

Blonde Jokes = Showing that being blonde is stupid and thus stereotyping.
Laughing at Blonde Jokes = Showing that Bring It On is stupid. Therefore why watch it?

The colour Pink = The inspiration behind Bring It On and Blonde Jokes.

Okay whatever. I am trying to create a pointless equation out of something pointless. My point is that these three things all suck majorly.

4) Why Girls Always REMEMBER SO BLOODY WELL

Honestly.... I remember funny things and scary things and revolting things, like how much people stink, but I don't remember what exactly the stench was made up of or what colour the person was wearing or what shoes or what brand or what the hell he said five minutes ago and thus made you really pissed because it's degrading or why he said that or how an ant hoisted a breadcrumb and crawled to the floor in about an hour yada yada yada.

If you remember too much, you start to laugh a little less. Know why? You're too miserable! Trying to pack in so much in that measly unsoakable sponge we call our brains is too tiring... Take it from me. If something doesnt stink, doesnt make you laugh until your eyes tear, doesnt make you want to kill someone, doesnt show boobs or butts, doesnt say things like "Savvy?" or "I've got a jar of dirt!!!!" (it's Johnny Depp, morons.) and doesn't make you ask yourself - "WHY WAS I SUCH AN IDIOT / AWESOME PERSON / EPIPHANY ?" then

FORGET IT. I can't even rmbr what I wore today.
Wait, I can. Know why ? It makes me ask - WHY AM I SUCH AN AWESOME PERSON.

4) Why girls HAVE TO RATIONALIZE EVERYTHING.

Half this post is lame and rubbishy. Know why? BECAUSE. see ! Being irrational is fun and good for your health. Know why? It makes your hair less grey, it makes you order more junk food, and it makes you delusional !

See how much more fun I have compared to most girls.

5) Why Girls Always Think They Are Fat

Okay, you're fat. Go on a diet. Okay, you're not fat, stay that way.

QUIT HARPING ON IT. If you really want to talk about smth, say some blonde jokes.
Wait... Did I Just....

Nope. Moving On...

6) Why Girls Always Contradict Themselves

And thus Concludes Yours Truly, and my post for the day.


P.S I'M BACK BITCHAZZZZZZZZZZZZ

will reply to hate mail / spam / death threats , anytime !