Stuff I REALLY WANT TO SAY

Sometimes when people ask me stupid questions, here's how I want to reply them. Especially when my mother drags me to her social events which never fail to make me ponder the question; WHY DO SUCKY PEOPLE EXIST?!

1)When people ask me
Woman: Do you know how to get to Novena MRT Station/random place?
Me: Yes! I do! Do i get a prize for knowing?
Woman: ....
Me: No? Well then that's okay. -walks off.

2)When people ask me
Man: So how old are you now?
Me: I... Wait, it's on the tip of my tongue... I know this somehow.... 21 DAYS CLEAN!

3)When people ask me
Woman: So... what are your hobbies?
Me: Answering wonderfully inane questions of yours JUST SO i can get your approval. Yup. I need that. Completes my day,month and year.

4)When people ask me
Man: So what DO YOU want to be when you grow up?
Me: I was stuck between deciding on tying knots on people's earphones just to annoy the hell out of them or timing how long it takes for an anorexic girl to squeeze chilli out of the packet, but now that I've met you I've decided to just watch grass grow AND count the number of cumulus clouds floating above me.

5)When people ask me
Woman: Do you like your MOMMY better or your DADDY better? -gives me a playful wink
Me: You would like me to say mommy right? Well I'm gonna be frank and say - Don't I look a bit like Zhang Ziyi? BLAME THE MAN! -points accusing finger at The Father

6)When people ask me
Man: Are you hungry?
Me: Are you broke?

7)When people ask me
Woman: What would you like to eat?
Me: Although the very thought of you acting friendly puts me off, yes I'll have the lobster for which YOU should jolly well have the decency to pay since you are the not so gracious host. Jeez. Ease up on the Botox woman.

8)When people ask me
Man: So where would you like to travel to someday?
Me: OH DID I SAY THAT? Did I....? Wow. You just read my mind. Congrats. I mean, it isn't as if you have anything better to do is there? Besides sit there and predict where and when and how and with whom I'd like to go out with? Fly an airplane with? Well since you mentioned I read somewhere that there was this dude who collected airsick bags and is has now managed to garner about 941 of them so I would like to go to his house, tear them all up one by one and then steal one so I can be sick in it.

9)When people ask me
Woman: Don't you know your mother is such a star?
Me: Yeah well, have you met her daughter? God. I tell you... the amount of awesomeness in that kid is just... it just blows me away. Sometimes I think about it and it's hard to imagine that it's me. That I am. That. Great. GOSH!

10) When people ask me
Man: Did you have a nice time?
Me: Oh come on do we have to do this? I mean, we all knew you were wearing a wig and everyone was laughing at you and not your jokes. And the lady on your left has fake boobs and keeps pushing them to your face. But well okay if you HONESTLY want me to do this then - NOPE!

And lastly....

When people ask: What time is it?
Me: Screw you! I know the capital of Finland and the colour of the Libyan flag. So what if i don't have a watch for goodness' sake!


Have a great day non existent readers.