Sunday, August 22, 2010

Morons who do not know how to carry a conversation

Phrases that really irk me to no end.

1) AISH ZHINZHA.
2) SIMI LJ
3) DUDE, YOU'RE THE BEST
4) PLEASE REVERT BACK TO ME ASAP
5) (sms lang.) how ah, i very scare
6) ROFL
7) THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER WAY
8) HMM.... NOT SURE
9) (sms lang.) M @ orchard now. Where r u
10) Most classic example ever - J pl cl m nw (Jia pls call me now)

Moving on... worst rapper names ever. (How do their friends even address them? Like I would be too ashamed to even be their friend just due to the sheer terror of calling them in public. I once read in the paper about a boy named Lim Fa Khe, who has and I bet still is having the worse life ever due to his parents' stupidity.)

starting from gag-worthy to OMFG -

10) Bubba Sparxxx
9) Cunninlynguists
8) Noreaga (gonnorhea)
7) Shorty Shitstain
6) Devin the Dude (at least Shitstain gives some gangsta vibe)
5) Messy Marv ('nuff said)
4) Hoobastank (yeah yeah not a rapper but wtf? who's Hooba and why does he stink? or how did he stop stinking?)
3)Swollen Members
2)Anyone with Lil' in front of their names (Lil' Flip, Lil' Scrappy, Lil' Wayne... etc.)

and the winner is -

1) Del tha Funkee Homosapien
Congrats, we just found out you were human!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Stuff I REALLY WANT TO SAY

Sometimes when people ask me stupid questions, here's how I want to reply them. Especially when my mother drags me to her social events which never fail to make me ponder the question; WHY DO SUCKY PEOPLE EXIST?!

1)When people ask me
Woman: Do you know how to get to Novena MRT Station/random place?
Me: Yes! I do! Do i get a prize for knowing?
Woman: ....
Me: No? Well then that's okay. -walks off.

2)When people ask me
Man: So how old are you now?
Me: I... Wait, it's on the tip of my tongue... I know this somehow.... 21 DAYS CLEAN!

3)When people ask me
Woman: So... what are your hobbies?
Me: Answering wonderfully inane questions of yours JUST SO i can get your approval. Yup. I need that. Completes my day,month and year.

4)When people ask me
Man: So what DO YOU want to be when you grow up?
Me: I was stuck between deciding on tying knots on people's earphones just to annoy the hell out of them or timing how long it takes for an anorexic girl to squeeze chilli out of the packet, but now that I've met you I've decided to just watch grass grow AND count the number of cumulus clouds floating above me.

5)When people ask me
Woman: Do you like your MOMMY better or your DADDY better? -gives me a playful wink
Me: You would like me to say mommy right? Well I'm gonna be frank and say - Don't I look a bit like Zhang Ziyi? BLAME THE MAN! -points accusing finger at The Father

6)When people ask me
Man: Are you hungry?
Me: Are you broke?

7)When people ask me
Woman: What would you like to eat?
Me: Although the very thought of you acting friendly puts me off, yes I'll have the lobster for which YOU should jolly well have the decency to pay since you are the not so gracious host. Jeez. Ease up on the Botox woman.

8)When people ask me
Man: So where would you like to travel to someday?
Me: OH DID I SAY THAT? Did I....? Wow. You just read my mind. Congrats. I mean, it isn't as if you have anything better to do is there? Besides sit there and predict where and when and how and with whom I'd like to go out with? Fly an airplane with? Well since you mentioned I read somewhere that there was this dude who collected airsick bags and is has now managed to garner about 941 of them so I would like to go to his house, tear them all up one by one and then steal one so I can be sick in it.

9)When people ask me
Woman: Don't you know your mother is such a star?
Me: Yeah well, have you met her daughter? God. I tell you... the amount of awesomeness in that kid is just... it just blows me away. Sometimes I think about it and it's hard to imagine that it's me. That I am. That. Great. GOSH!

10) When people ask me
Man: Did you have a nice time?
Me: Oh come on do we have to do this? I mean, we all knew you were wearing a wig and everyone was laughing at you and not your jokes. And the lady on your left has fake boobs and keeps pushing them to your face. But well okay if you HONESTLY want me to do this then - NOPE!

And lastly....

When people ask: What time is it?
Me: Screw you! I know the capital of Finland and the colour of the Libyan flag. So what if i don't have a watch for goodness' sake!


Have a great day non existent readers.

The People I Love to Death Annoy Me to Death

Things my family does to drive me mad -



1) Everytime I tell my mother I am going to bed, she quickly finds something about her computer that requires my help.



Me: Good night mom i'm going to bed.

Mom: Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait. How do i change the font colour to red again?



-helps her change font colour



Me: Ok good night.

Mom: Good night. Hold up could you just help me reply to this email?



About 5 hours later....



Me: Good nighhhhht.... -gets ready to dash to room

Mom: Hey could you help me save this in a thumb drive?





2) Everytime I ask my half-deaf dad a question while he is practicing guitar, he refuses to stop playing the guitar.



Me: Dad do you want dinner now?

Dad: What is it? -continues singing Whoa whoa yeah yeah, I love you more than I can sayyyyyy



3) In the car, when I want to take a nap, my granmother immediately has a question of no importance to ask me.



4) Everytime I'm watching a movie, and I forget to turn my handphone to the silent mode, my aunt will call me to ask a question of no importance.



5) When I am at my cousin's house and she is watching television, no matter how loudly I scream at her - she will NEVER answer any of my questions. Otherwise it will go like this;



Me: Pas? What time are we going out?

Pas: -laughs at something on tv.

Me: (After about 20minutes later) Pas? Pas?

Pas: (45 mins later, when there is an advert) Yeah you were saying?



...



6) After finishing dinner, my grandpa will ask me if I have taken dinner about 3 more times.



7) My dad likes to call me and start off the conversation like this:



Dad: Hello. Yes 3 Things. Number 1, you have an appointment with XXX tomorrow. Number 2, the thing you asked me to fax for you can't get through. Number 3 there is dinner with Uncle XXX tonight.



Me: Oh yeah okay regarding the fax....

Dad: -hangs up-



So i try to call him back.



Dad: Yeah?

Me: Umm dad, -tells him what I need him to do.

Dad: Why didn't you ask me when I called you just now?



8) My other aunt likes to scream very loudly over the phone although it is already about a metre away from my ear and everyone around my vicinity can hear what our entire convo is about.



9) My cousins like to lean all over me when we are watching television so thus sometimes I cannot breathe.



10) My mother likes to walk in on me when I am busy doing something and then look for her magazines, thus blocking my entire view of the computer. When I try to ask her to move, it becomes something like this.



Me:Mom can you move?

Mom: I'm looking for something, could you just help me find it?

Me: Okay. (and just as I stand up)

Mom: I FOUND IT! -walks away.



She will come in and do this at ten minute intervals.

I'M BACK AND I'M CREATING FACEBOOK

BECAUSE

my two best friends are leaving for the states in two weeks

they need to know i'm still cool and humourous and impatient and exasperated and annoying

i'm bored.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

One-Liners - Serious Ammunition

My (seldom) hilarious Dad has this amazing book called "The serious book of ONE-LINERS" and I suppose he needs it because he is humour impaired, unlike his awesome daughter ala me.

Here are a few One Liners I thought I ought to share -

SIGNS OF THE TIMES:

To avoid burning your hands with hot water, feel the water first before putting your hand in.

To call room service, just open the door and call room service.

At a Cairo Zoo : Please don't feed the animals. If you have any spare food hand it to the attendants.

In an Indian Maternity Hospital : Visitors. Hubands only. One per patient.

SOCIETY:

Society is where people spend money they haven't got to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like.

A good host makes his guests feel at home, even though he wished they were.

MISCELLANEOUS ADVICE :

Whatever happens, look as though it was intended.

People who love sausages and the law should never watch either being made.

The only time to be positive is when you are certain you are wrong.

WEDDING SPEECHES :

Ladies and gentlemen. We all know about John, but in the interests of harmony and in order not to embarass the bride I will only dwell on the pleasant side of his character. Thank you very much (and proceed to sit down).

In many ways (the groom) has been like a son to me - insolent, ungrateful, disrespectful.

Congratulations Gerald. It was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Signed, Mary, Terese, Wendy, Karen, Julie, Barbara, Estelle & Agatha.

Here's to me. I've finally found what's unbelievable -
A sex-mad maid who's inconceivable.

Bring on the LOLs.

And my dad, being my dad, had to highlight this one :

I don't mind suffering in silence, provided everyone knows I'm doing it.

To Dad :
What was that again ?




To end off, Here's Whipper, a mutant parakeet from New Zealand.
Google him, he's preeeeeeeeetty famous.


Proof that promiscuity between different species is the key to...
New mops.

The List of Things Wakarimasen

The list of things Wakarimasen, which means I cannot understand in Japanese.


Why Pharrell Williams let me down so badly in this year's N.E.R.D Live at Esplanade (part of Mosaic Music Festival) concert which I paid a bomb for. He wore polka dotted skinny jeans and toward the end of the night screamed - I'M SOOOOOOO HORNY TONIGHT. P Williams, if farking is all you think about then...

Why most people don't get that rushing to get to the front of the queue will only push them farther behind the queue.


Why my family LOVES freebies so bloody much. Especially NDP goodie bags.


Why Crocs is getting more and more ubiquitous. And why someone even thought of Crocs and marketed it into such a sellable franchise. Whoever you are, here's a new idea: Golden Ping Pong Balls made of actual gold. Medicine balls to help you keep fit, so golden ping pong balls to help you hit harder. (no sexual innuendo intended)



Why is it that once I turned 18 this year, I actually started being able to tolerate my parents and enjoy spending time with them. And enjoy it even more.



Why I like Britney Spears.



Why Miley Cyrus seems to be more famous then Roald Dahl. (If you don't know who he is, then I am sad to say that you have a deprived childhood.)



Why I don't (or rather, didn't) have a better judgement of what friends should be like and had to be hurt more than I could imagine so many many times before. My best friend now is the plump rat that feeds on the weeds in the garden and cannot seem to die despite the many traps we place to ensnare him. (Joking la. Didn't I mention how much money I spent on my lousy friends?) But srsly, true friends are hard to come by.



Why I suck when it comes to technology. Believe it or not I cannot get my pictures to align properly thus my posts are all wordy and confusing. (For those of you who can't tell the difference between stationery and stationary, I suggest you go play Neopets.) I need help from a blogging expert pls.



Why I REALLY SUCK AT TECHNOLOGY. Like today during my final theory trial prac I was hitting the computer screen because I couldnt get it to respond (it was touch screen), and everyone else was so at ease. I am really jittery when it comes to computers / iPhones / laptops.


Why karma takes so long to take effect. Not being bitter... Just. Yknow. Wondering. -makes a voodoo doll



Why my junk mail is full of horny requests from GIRLS. MOSTLY BLONDE GIRLS. HARDCORE.



Why when my friends refer to me as Eug, their friends always think I am their secret admirer cum boyfriend cum player dude who hit on them randomly on the street.



Why people always spell my name wrongly. It's EUGINIA. not EUGENIA.



Why my parents try so hard to be different that they had to spell my name with an "i".



Why people think conforming is good. Just because I home school, (am taking my A's next year), most people think I am



a) an idiot at all aspects, including eating, drinking, doing sports etc.

b) a punk with secret tattoos on her bum

c) retarded i.e. someone once asked me whether i understood "bright-eyed and bushy tailed"

d) ready to kill herself at any word they say ( I am home schooled because I was diagnosed with depression. Hard to believe eh? Am still on meds.)



Why my parents look really Asian yet most people think I am mixed. (This is not exactly a good thing. Some people actually make really snide remarks abt it.)



Why I am not photogenic. But I think I look fine in real life.


I really am not photogenic, this is not Little Miss Low Self Esteem or Mister Insecure About His Size speaking.


Why kids always think I am only 6. They think I'm a really tall, really strong 6 year old kid.



Why I am nothing like my mother and take after my dad COMPLETELY personality-wise. This is true. All of my relatives say this.


Why I dislike blonde guys. Even Brad Pitt.


Why I notice pretty girls really quick. (I am straight.)


Why pretty girls think I'm giving them a bitch face when I am admiring them.


Why my mother laughs like a cross between a cockerel and screeching tyres, and why she snores like a bulldozer. Once when we were on holiday, I woke up in the middle of the night wondering why there was construction going on, and it was actually my mom. Not exaggerating.


Why people always think I am exaggerating when I am not.


Why everyone thinks that being an only child = being lonely and emo 24/7
Trust me, me getting my private time alone is a battle I face constantly


Why people name their children using palindromes.
Palindromes are words that spell the same backward and forward, e.g. Bob, Anna, Hannah and Dad.
Is your kid named Dad?


Why I cannot stand white, creamy foods like mayonnaise, cream base sauce, whipped cream.
I have eaten all of the above only once in my life and hated them. My most repulsive memories.


Why my list of things Wakarimasen is also a list of things revealing ME as a person ! Does this indicate smth to all wannabe psychiatrists ?


Let me give it to you straight - Don't read too much into it. It's most likely a coincidence.


If you want to give it an underlying meaning like oh you are still in denial and you are probably in doubt of yourself and you have to take a personality quiz for me to assess you then....



I shove fortune cookie up your arse.



(Search this on youtube.com under Asian Prank Call by OwnagePranks. LOL.)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

WHATZ UPPP

P.S. funny stuff to check out -



15 Billboards that Don't Belong next to each other
www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/15-billboards-that-dont-belong-to-each-other


although no one reads my blog, i'm still going to maintain this lil gem. because i love....




BEING ME !